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For the Partners of Survivors 7 Jan 2013

We are looking at starting a support group for the partners of survivors and I would like some sort of feedback.  If you live in the northern areass of Johannesburg and oyu are keen to attend a meeting, drop us a  mail or respond on this blog

CSA has huge effects on the Survivor, and if the survivor is involved in a relationship, then of course the partners will also suffer hugely.
So What happens?
Well, the partners will feel as though they are alone in the relationship, they will probably be mentally, financially and Psychologically abused. The survivor will either have very little sexual contact with his partner, or he will be completely oversexed.
He may suffer from constant rage and anger, probably drinks and abuses other substances.
Porn could be one of his favourite past times, and masturbation is preferred over actual intercourse.
Are you currently experienceing any of the above?

Then you would be in what we call a Co- Dependant relationship. There is a lot more to it than that, but you will need a lot of help to get over this and also to help your partner to heal.
Boundaries need to be set, battle lines drawn and a strict set of rules implemented.

The great thing about a survivor, is that you will Probably end up with a much better man than the one you married in the first place.

Call us for support and guidance and we will assist you with literature and a support group to help you get through this trying time.

Also Check out the  helpful resources page, there is a website listed there for you to look at.

I also Found this booklet on-line and this link will take you there Partners of survivors

Remember that you are not alone and that you can help your partner through this, But you MUST help yourself first.


I have Received this testimonial from one of the Wives of a survivor,  Her nickname is Hero, Because I know she is for all the work she has done for her husband.

Martin- I am so grateful for your attention to the partners of survivors of CSA. You have been such a well of compassion and support for me as I've struggled to support my husband. Not all survivors go on to abuse alcohol, have affairs, hire prostitutes, etc., but my husband did. In the wake of such devistating discoveries, it requires super human strength to put your own pain on a shelf while you tend to the more immediate crisis of your husband's sanity. While bleeding from being impaled by the flying shards of my life, I knew...deep in my gut, I KNEW that the man who'd so cruely betrayed me was NOT my husband. With lots of education, counseling, prayer and support from wonderful survivors like you, I've got my real husband back. Through counseling and the support of fellow survivors, he is dealing with the emotional, mental, spiritual and sexual distortions caused by the abuse he suffered as a child. The single most significant thing that helped him understand that the CSA had so badly damaged him was finding other male survivors. With that discovery, he stepped out of victimhood, into surviving it, and and is steaming toward thriving! Likewise, with the support of other supporters who know well the road I travel, I have been able to put the infidelities into a perspective that has allowed me to not only support him, but to begin the long process of healing. Because of this support my husband is whole and our marriage is going to survive. That I can sincerely speak that statement is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you for your devotion to helping others as you have helped my beloved and me, and sooooo many others, too! Blessings!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

My husband’s personality and conduct has been a matter of concern for me since we got married – 22 years ago.



The main abnormal conduct he has is his obsession with the women folk, indiscriminately – young, older, married, unmarried, even my nieces and girls young enough to be his daughters. It is something that he cannot control. And it is not one or two of them, is countless – one after the other as he get tired with one, or this one sees the folly of it and sometimes would have one or two at the same time. Everywhere he goes – at his workplace, in restaurants, in busses, at home to girls who visit me…


What is also abnormal about him is his secretiveness and meticulously devious.
He fails to be truthful in many a way.
He avoids answering when I corner him about something he has done.
He fails to admit his mistakes and shifts them to me
He counteracts constructive criticism but pointing out the faults of whomever constructively criticizes him
He would avoid serious discussion regarding his weaknesses by talking in an elevated manner, as if pointing out his strengths, to water down the faults or to remind himself or whoever is talking to him that he is to high or intelligent nonetheless
He seems to lead a double life, one person, say in a religious meeting – so good, so friendly, so spiritual, but a flirt at a shopping centre or restaurant on the same day!
He battles to be down-to-earth in a social seating – he has to talk in an “I’m more intelligent than all of you” manner, putting me down painfully should I say something more mature and intelligent than him.
Should someone indirectly point out his weakness with the woman folk, or maybe mention that he must see a psychologist, he would rattle – talk none-stop, so as to erase what has just been said in the minds of those who heard
He fails to talk frankly and directly about his feelings about things he doesn’t like about something I’ve done or his emotions – he would talk in a double-meaning manner or talk to ‘someone’ about something and indirectly sandwich his opinion/feeling in whatever he is saying to that person, but referring to me, knowing that he would safely deny what he actually meant.
Should someone say something negative about me to him or should he hear negative about me by people, he goes along with the crowd.
It is easy for people to ‘gossip’ about me to him, and he would keep that confidence, but stab me with words indirectly.
I once strongly said to him that he should see a psychologist about his abnormal personality, saying to him that real men would do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of why they are not like other men. He left the room like a child whose hidden conduct has been revealed!
He has been given so much counsel and instruction and guidance on how to conduct himself normally towards the women folk, how to be truthful, ect, so much – scriptural and socially – it falls on deaf ears.
He would give a brilliant advice to someone else about good conduct, some man about how to be loving and truthful to his wife … but fails to apply the same counsel in his life


Everyone in our circle of friends know what a kind, helpful and loving man he is and think I am so fortunate to have such a man!



I could go on and on but all I want to know is, could he be a male survivor, could he have been abused while younger!



Please help me and give me guidance as to how to deal with this situation.

4 March 2012 at 21:13
MatrixMen said...

Hi Anonymous.
I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing.
One thing that you have not told me is if your husband is a Survivor of sexual abuse or not?
From what you have written, I assume that he is. The character traits and the behaviours indicate the life of a survivor.
To answer all your questions in one go is going to be a long stretch, but let me start, and try.
The life of a survivor is this. We live in constant fear of our "sordid" past being discovered, and to deal with this we develop these alter egos, persona's that can deal with the shame of what we have endured. So we put on the air of being better than all the rest, but we are, inside subconsciously afraid of being discovered.
Survivors don't like being dictated to or told what to do, we also don't like to be cornered. Understand that when we were being abused the choice of running away, or our having control over the situation, was removed. We were allowed no control over the situation. This has now created problems in our adult life in that it often makes it difficult to take advice, work for a boss, or submit to authority, Even our wives become a problem when they try to tell us what to do or advise us.

There are a lot of factors involved, and I will need to look at each point, and then write a response to you that will be more in depth.
For now the important things that need to be looked at are.
1) Has your husband dealt with or acknowledged his CSA?
2) Is he in therapy?
3) Are you receiving guidance and therapy?
4) Are you in a support group?
5) Is your husband in any sort of programme for addiction etc?

If you could give me a little more info I will then be able to help a bit more.
You are also welcome to send me an email, if you don't want to be to public, Choice is yours.
Thanks for your post and I hope that you find the answer a little helpful. I will post a more in depth answer later.

Heal well
Martin

5 March 2012 at 11:27
Anonymous said...

Thanks Martin, that is what I have been suspecting for a long time. Because the behaviour and personality is so strange.

He is a close book Martin, we have never had heart-to-heart discussion since we got married. He fears serious talk, literally. Sometimes he defuses with a joke.

It is difficult to tell what he is thinking or what he is doing because he is super secretive and devious. He thrives at smartening out of situations.

I asked him that question several times, whether he was abused when he was younger, he accuses me of reading too many psychological matters in the internet. When suggesting that we see a psychologist because we cannot connect and he refuses to open up, have frank talk, but expects me to behave like we are in a relationship, he says I must see a psychologist because there is something wrong with my mind. So the answers to the above questions are:

1)He would not have dealt with or acknowledged it because he doesn't see anything wrong with him.
2)He doesn't believe in therapies and would not accompany me if I have to see a psychologist, its as if he fears they would see through him, something he is hiding.
3) No, I've just been talking to a friend of mind who's husband has acknowledged his CSA and that you are helping. Before then I didnt know where to turn to. I have tried the spiritual approach, and realize that it is not a spiritual problem he has, but psychological. Although at our Bible meetings he pretends and speaks like a totally different person - loving, helpful, spiritual, which hurts sitting next to him.
4) I am not in any support group. One of the homeaopath doctors I see often, gave me a number of a 'life coach' I can see to practically help me cope.
5) He is not into anything for he is not open to talking or suggestion, talks and things he knows better than anyone, even 'mind-doctors'. Looks down on them. I have tried in many ways and words to encourage him that he gets help, he either walks out when I'm talking or deletes message if I try sending him an email.

He can get very nasty in words and rants and raves when I corner him about these matters, especially the devious secret relationships he has, or his never-ending flirting with younger girls - 16 to 18 years old. He is almost 60 years old.

A closed book Martin, that makes one lonely to stay with him.

Can you help.

I don't mind your publishing my problem as long as I am anonymous. There could be one woman out there who would benefit from my unfortunate story.
Thanks Martin

5 March 2012 at 21:29
MatrixMen said...

Hi Anonymous.

Anon, you really could be my wife, your story sounds exactly like mine, (bar the 60 year old part)

We can try and help, but at the end of the day it is up to him to "choose healing". If the survivor doesn't choose to heal, then we are pretty stuck, but we can plant seeds of doubt in his mind.

There are a few ways to progress from here:
1) To buy literature and leave it for him, Start by downloading the brochure we have on the blog, print it out and leave it there for him to read. Perhaps when he sees the effects the CSA have on ones life, then he will be able to think about it and see that he is not alone.
2) We can arrange that I come through and talk to him and tell him my story. (If you are in South Africa)
3) We can invite him to one of our meetings, and he can listen to other men talking about their pain and struggles.(if you are in South Africa) Thing about the net, we don't know where you are.
4) We can talk about the sites that help men like AMSOSA, MALE SURVIVORS, and even this blog, although that is not advisable as he might get upset that you are talking about him.

Now we start to get into the important stuff, YOU.
I need you to start to empower yourself. The first book that you need to get is a book called "Co-Dependent no more". You may not see your self as a co-dependent, but in one statement you made
"Although at our Bible meetings he pretends and speaks like a totally different person - loving, helpful, spiritual, which hurts sitting next to him." The fact that you allow him to lie whilst you are sitting next to him means that you are a Co-Dependent, you are enabling him to live his lie, and conversely you are then also living that lie.
TOUGH LOVE is an option,(If you live in S.A.) I know that he isn't an alcoholic or addict, but essentially he is, or AL ANON is also a good option.(Worldwide) If you are in the States CODA is a good one to join.
Surround yourself with people that understand and can support you, and also are able to empower you with their stories, hope and courage. STAY AWAY FROM NEGATIVE NANNIES. This fight is going to take a lot of positive strong minded warfare.

This is a lot for you to process but start with one step at a time. Choose the approach that you are going to take for you and for him, remember that you too need healing.

We are here for you and him so call on us anytime you need help.

Heal well
Martin

6 March 2012 at 09:21
Anonymous said...

Hm, ... just wondering why I didnt get to know about you and what you are doing 20 years ago. I would have saved myself of ... depression, acid problems, struggles with weight, bloated tummy, heart problems, huge medical bills, breast cancer scare, nearly had a nervous breakdown, many bottles of supplement, and, and, and.
Thanks Martin. I'll get the book and try the approaches you've suggested.
I'll contact you soon. Thanks so so much. Even just this talking and at last knowing that I am not mad, helps immensely.

6 March 2012 at 16:14
Anonymous said...

Hi Martin, I marvel at your work and the support you give to supporters and survivors. By the way I am Thulas from MS - the wife of a survivor. I would encourage Anon to realy take good care of herself. Since you advised me to look into the Co-Dependent book I no longer stress about all the acting out my husband does.

Since my hubby left the day you tried talking to him he has been all over the country garnering support from friends and relatives and painting a bad picture about me. He tells them that I chased him out of our home because I am nuts while he walked out before I could. He does not mention to any of them the bone of our contention which is his abusive behaviour and the company he says he owns alone and that I am not getting a cent out of it.

In the past I would have been angry at his stupid conduct but now I am relatively calm because I have done all I could to get him see what his self confessed CSA is doing to him and us. He still wont get help. Unfortunately I am cleansing him out of my mind coz I cant stand his anger, five year old like tantrums and agressiveness and haughtiness. This time around I am resolved that no matter who says what or how apologetic he is and how much he loves me...I am sorry I am not taking him back as the monster he is untill he gets help and changes his behaviour. I cant be a victim of his abuse or filthy behaviour anymore. I must say that I am doing just fine after he walked out on me and our daughter. The little one misses him though but I tell myself that it will be fine.

What disgusts me is the fact that it took him a trip to the end of the country to realise that he needs to sign these papers and build his marriage. His family in Cape Town says he came and started lying but cornered him to spill the beans as to why I am not letting him back into my life again unless I get what I deserve. They have advised him to sign the profit sharing documents and put the household finances in order with me.

I guess I hate the effects of CSA... and the denial that goes with it. He is just so mean and ureasonable and has ruined my life... I am down but not out.

All Im concerned about is my health, wellbeing and that of my child not that of an adult who refuses help. I need to heal without him. But saddly because he did not give me the money to pay off my pressing debts I am loosing my car and do not have money to go for my T at Lenasia. I feel I need to go but I cant.

Phew! I hate the behaviour - CSA- but not my husband
Thanks for this space...

Thulas.

6 March 2012 at 18:42
Anonymous said...

Hi - reading your story was - - for me writing my story. It's exactly what I've been through. My husband a survivor of childhood sexual abuse - though I must say that - after 10 double counseling sessions - he is exactly the same person he was- Angry, Manipulative, shows no remorse at all for his affairs, and makes no effort to change.
Our therapist - is highly qualified in working with CSA and their spouse & for me it was what I had been waiting for all my Life. He has made me realise my true potential & how much more I can do for myself & others.

And frankly I've come to a point in my life that I feel I can do without this abuse in my life - cause that's what we allowing - we allowing them to abuse us by accepting everything they do.
Ive had counseling myself - that's why I'm able to write this today - cause originally he had made me feel like trash - today I know I'm way too precious for him. He has stopped his counseling now - cause - he hadn't done what was asked of him by the therapist .
Weather our marriage of 22 yrs survive this ??
I don't know . But what I'm sure of is - I Will Survive, and I'm totally confident about going my own way, the counseling has helped me be more confident & I know I am strong enough to leave him. Today I feel confident knowing it wasn't me to blame for all his Anger in his Life.

If you are interested in more information with regards to my therapy- contact me - will send my details to Martin

All my Love

30 April 2012 at 04:07
MatrixMen said...

Thank you all.
I am truly encouraged by the responses that I have been getting from you Partners of survivors. I am truly grateful for your emails and words of encouragement. Please all, if there is more info that you require, please contact us.

we are starting the survivors meeting very very soon and, I am also grateful that I have a great partner in Matrix men, I will release his name soon, and he has been truly helpful in the starting and setting up of MM.
We had a meeting this weekend, The whole day I might add, and we are really getting some good direction.

We are looking at tying up with another NGO that deals with sexually abused children, and we hope that the synergy of us healing the adults will be an add on to the charity.
Its all very exciting for me, after all, all I really want to do is help families heal.

Well all, again thanks for your input.

Heal well
Martin

6 May 2012 at 23:23
Unknown said...

Hi -Everyone
I’m not sure if anyone has a more stubborn, in denial, angry, arrogant spouse like I have.
My reason for that:- we have been through hell and back- Honest! And this is no exaggeration- from his ongoing flirts (which he called friends -lol ) to an affair- that even he has no idea for how long its going on.
I decided this is it- I’m out of here.
But somehow between me kicking him out and him conning his way back in- we decided to give our 21yrs together another chance- provided he goes for CSA counseling- which he originally agreed whilst he was kicked out,infact he agreed to alot, even communication! and i thought wow! But ---- when he meant communicate -what he actually meant was, "I need to make sure you have no hidden agenda to throw me out and thats all, I dont really care about how you feel, you need to get over yourself". That was the promise of communication.
And once u're in your comfort zone- denial sets in and once again the words " I’m fine" starts ringing. But I wasn’t going to let him get away this time, it’s either CSA therapy or were done.

After reading and speaking to his therapist myself i realized how much of Life was actually stolen from him. That’s the reason he was angry all the time, sex was just sex- no feelings involved- cause that’s what it does to one- it’s totally robs them of their feelings.

So now I decide -ok - a little compassion wouldn’t hurt and I stop being the Bitch I originally was toward him. And say a few caring words – only to be told to stuff my pity, he doesn’t need it!
Obviously then we both angry and once again – don’t speak for days.
But during the time he went for therapy, I also had therapy sessions cause now we needed to grow together and understand each other, but each time only to be shut out completely by him.
No mention of how’s the therapy - nothing!, and I sit and wonder perhaps I should approach him and ask - how did it go?- but then originally I asked and I was shunned with a comment like- "isn’t it private?, why should I discuss it with you!- so remembering that I don’t approach him now either, and he seems to be even more angry then before.
On the other hand my therapy seems to work wonders- I managed to let go of the anger I had toward him- I feel much calmer, I am once again able to function like a normal human being after months of malfunction.
Now I see the pain and anger in his eyes- which he always never allows anyone to see. But each time I feel more positive about us – he throws in about 10 negatives. He has now decided to stop his therapy- for reasons beyond my understanding, I mean does he not want his life to be normal again, doesn’t he not want to let go of that burden he has been carrying for 40+yrs – and after weekly therapy sessions for 3 months – he sits down and tells me he is fine – CSA doesn’t /didn’t have an effect on him- and he knows that for sure. So I ask- how do I trust you? and he says – what do you want me to do? :)
Nice I thought- did you ask me when you totally screwed up our lives, did you even think about us when you decided to screw up our lives by having an affair! One thing he did constantly was assure me – he loved me . And that was probably to not make me suspicious of him. Now considering that fact that- after they have been abused- they have no way of knowing how they feel so – do you really know what it means to say – I love you?, and how is it that you know what it means, yet other feelings are non-existent?

10 May 2012 at 23:08
Unknown said...

For me, each therapy session proved more and more inspiring, and what astonished me was the fact that I could just let go …..and realize that things don’t matter so much after all. I grew on the Spiritual side too and made a shift of My Life from ambition to meaning. Not that I lost my drive, but I have become ambitious/driven about something new. I made a commitment to living life based on meaning and feeling purposeful.
But that does not mean Life stops throwing curveballs at you, it still comes – just from a different angle .
My husband stops his therapy as and we back to claiming “I’m fine” and I say to him- well I’m not fine living like this with you, to which he instantly suggests we head our separate ways…………
Will keep you posted ……………

M

Anyone experience something similar?

10 May 2012 at 23:11
MatrixMen said...

HI M

Thanks for your post. It is typical survivor spouse behaviour.
One thing that I can comment on is that your husband seems to be going through the motions and has as yet not accepted what the effects of CSA actually are. I would try and get him involved in a peer support group, once he gets to grips with the fact that this has happened to many other men, he will start to take his healing a lot more seriously.

On your side it sounds like your therapist is doing a great job. The only thing that I would perhaps consider is a course on Co-Dependency. Even though you are in therapy, you could gain a lot from doing this, it will help your self esteem even further.
There is a book that you can order online called Co-Dependant no more. It is a really good programme, whether you stay together or not.
Remember that the effects of CSA are far reaching, and even if you separate, the effects of this 21 year relationship will stay with you for a long long time, and you need to be aware of this because if you ever get involved with another man, you need to be sure that you don't end up with the same type of person.

Keep loving yourself, and keep working on what you can control, yourself.

Heal well
Martin

12 May 2012 at 22:58
Anonymous said...

I have recently learnt that there is a whole spectrum of women who purposefully choose alcoholics, addicts and generally broken men to be in relationships with. The theory is that things were broken in their childhood and they couldn't fix them, so they go for damaged men, determined that their love and support will 'make the difference'. That they will be able to change these men. Needless to say, they end up devasted by the damage of substance-abuse, but many go on to find more of the same. Sometimes, stepping back and healing yourself first is the only way. Perhaps he will realise that he can do it too. It might be what he needs to seek help for the CSA which causes the behavioural dysfunction.
Just my thoughts.

18 January 2013 at 15:18
MatrixMen said...

Hi Anonymous.
Yep I have the same, but to be honest, I led a group for a while and I found a lot of men there like hungry wolves too. Unfortunately there are predators in every walk of life and yes it is true that these people will prey on the vulnerable too. I have actually wanted to get rid of certain people because of how they toyed with others lives and sobriety, but the AA constitution tells us that we may not expel someone from the group.
So yes it is true but so it's also in life.

19 January 2013 at 23:27
Anonymous said...

Good evening

I don't even know if this page is still active... My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties & have been going out for a little over a year.

He was abused as a child and was one of the first things he told me about himself. Gradually during our companionship, things have gone downhill, him being distant, not sure who he is, non existent libido you name it. He even broke it off in Dec because he didn't want to put me in a situation like he is. He says he's broken and I deserve better.

He finally went to see a therapist but because of financial constraints, he couldn't take it any further. I'd just like to know if there's someone I can talk to? I feel like I'm running out of options, he's pushing me more and more out of his life. Apart from our relationship, I just want him to get help for himself.

What can I do? I'm feeling helpless & on the brink of giving up myself. There's only so much a girl can take....

10 April 2014 at 22:47
MatrixMen said...

Hi Ano.

We are still active, and I would like to know a little more about you guys, mainly where you live. its going to be a little hard to help if I dont know where you are.
There are numerous face book pages that help male Survivors, so he can join those, or he can friend me and I will be able to help him online.
Please let me know how we can help you and your boy friend.
My email address is martin@matrixmen.org or matrixmenza@gmail.com
The gmail account is set up on my mobile
Chat soon and be kind to yourself

12 April 2014 at 12:50

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