Myth One: Male Survivors will go on to abuse children
This is utter rubbish
Despite any so called evidence that say sexually abused males Could go on to abuse children, they don't know the full extent of the situation. If every male that was abused as a child were an abuser then the whole world would be in a mess.
The fact of the matter is that only some perpetrators that have been caught, claim to have been abused, this is the only information they have to go on, and because of the nature of the beast, the "dark secret", people that work out these statistics don't really know how many survivors there are out there. Also, couple to this the fact that most survivors don't talk about their abuse, how on earth would they get the true figures.
I found that the survivors I know are actually the opposite, they would go out of their way to protect the children, because of the pain that they endured as children.
This myth is particularly damaging in the lives of survivors with children, because many of us fear the fact that we might be abusers, and this hinders our relationships with our children.
I know that I feared playing games with my daughter when she got to a certain age, becasue of this very fear.
I know a man with five children and 18 or so Grandchildren, and he has never hugged or kissed any of them. The worst thing about this is that he thinks this is normal. Very sad indeed.
Myth 2: Male child sexual abuse is a rare occurrence.
With estimates that 1 in 6 boys is abused by the age of 16, this is definitely a myth. Truth is that it happens every day month in and month out, it could be happening in the house next door to you right now.
Myth 3: Stranger danger
Most abuse cases are perpetrated by Strangers.
What rubbish. Most sexual abuse cases are perpetrated by closes relatives or friends, It takes a perpetrator a while to work his way into a family, gain their trust, gain the trust and friendship of the little boy, manipulate him into a space where the boy is afraid to speak, and then has his way with him. All this takes time, Strangers don't have this time, as they are suspects before they even say hello.
Myth 4: The child always feels negatively toward the abuser.
Not true. Often the abuser manipulates the child to such an extent that the child actually believes that he loves his abuser.
There is also the Scenario where the father or even mother is the abuser. How does a child not love his mother and father?
Any abuse is very confusing for a child, add to this the secrecy and the lies and this just compounds matters.
Myth 5: Its better not not talk about childhood sexual abuse, JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.
What stories that people come up with!!!
Something that is ignored will only make the family happy and will do nothing for the victim. Often the family will encourage the child to just forget about it, in order to save the "family" embarrassment.
Something that is not dealt with will not go away, and the expression "out of site is out of mind" Definitely does not apply here. We see many men coming to the age of 40, and they then start to have body memories, flashbacks and weird dreams. This all happens because it is "forgotten" about.
Myth 6: Boys cant be sexually abused by women.
Well, again this statement is not true. The male penis, it is often said, Has a "Mind of its own".
The penis reacts to stimulation, and that stimulation can be in the form of visual stimulation or physical stimulation. If someone touches a young boys penis, and it feels nice, he will be aroused. Often the boy will feel betrayed by his body, and this is here the guilt comes in. The perpetrators use this as a control as well, "see you are enjoying this" Some men feel betrayed by their bodies, and I have heard of men that wanted to cut off or mutilate their Penises, because of this betrayal. Young boys are often sodomised as well, so If the boy gets and erection, he can be raped, or he could be sodomised.
Myth 7: A boy that has a sexual experience with a woman at a young age is "Lucky"
Lets look at a definition of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse occurs when, a person who is more sexually mature, performs a sexual act on a child that is less sexually mature.
So with that said, If a woman of 18 has sex with a boy of 12, that could be classified as abuse. It could even be a girl of 16 with a 12 year old. It is Largely dependant on the sexual maturity of the young boy, and as we all know, girls mature before boys do.
Often the boy will feel that he has been lucky to have had an affair with an older woman, but he will eventually realize, Hopefully, that it does have a massive impact on his life, and not a good one.
The impact of Sexual abuse on the phsyci of the man, has a huge impact on his life, and often the man will not realize the impact that it has had until much later on in his life.
- Hi All of the above is true but there is more to this that needs mentioning.
When a child has been sexually abused there is an archetypical belief system that kicks in into the psyche of the child. These belief systems govern the child's behaviour in many different ways and these invariably find there way into their future relationships as they grow older. It is a good idea to know about these and that these are not the only issues but form the GENERAL issues that the child suffers from. These are .. and in no order of importance below. I have also included a general healing pattern that needs to be gone through for anyone to heal themselves. IT can be done and it does not have to take forever to happen. But it will take a life time of awareness in you to stay on top of. The issue is that once you know what you are dealing with the rest is easy. Many have no clue. Below is a very broad guideline. Please enjoy.
1 When things go wrong it is generally my fault.
2 This leads to dis trust of self AND ones feelings.
3 Trust - cant trust anyone, especially those close to you
4 My feelings and the expression of my feelings is either not allowed or not important.
5 People in authority cannot be trusted.
6 When the act occurred they received some kind of pleasure which normally results in that pleasure always leads to some pain some where and therefor I would not allow myself to experience pleasure.
7 Sex is love ... it is not it is just an enhancer of love
8 Due to becoming disassociated they are generally the observer of life rather than a participant.
9 Either they or their partner has to make the relationship safe for them ... to do this there is normally a strong control dynamic that takes place.
10 There partner has to "prove" their love on a constant basis.
11 Expression of inner feelings is not done for two general reasons a) that people wont believe them or honour them and b) they are generally aware of their feelings. They often get emotions confused with feelings. These are two very different things.
12 They are not present often ... this is shown up when the other party would say something like "where are you I am talking to you"
13 That everyone can "see" there shame / guilt and that they are therefore a bad person.
14 That they are dirty and nobody would want them.
15 Have great difficulty in saying no or putting appropriate boundaries in place.
These are the general issues. Each needs to be resolved with in the survivor.
The next stage is to see what are the pluses that came about as a result of this experience for the survivor. There are many.
Become present - a special process needs to happen here - this is the next stage.
Learn about boundary setting and accessing your own power is the next very important stage.
Learn about your feelings and the expression of your feelings and the protection of your self and your feelings is the next very important stage. Normally a whole feelings dictionary has to be developed within the survivor and then learn how to express those feelings and that it is ok as well as expected.
Learn about what is an appropriate relationship and how they should work as opposed to what the survivor thought is how a relationship should work.
I will give Martin my details should anyone wish to work with me. Please contact him.
Peter is a life Coach Based in Cape Town. His methods are a little esoteric, and this may appeal to certain survivors.
If you would like to work with peter drop me a mail
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